Military Spouse – How Estherly

A Season of the Unknown

Why Spring is a tough time for military families.

My little Ellie swinging at Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling.

Spring is my favorite season. It starts getting warm, the flowers are blooming, there are baby animals, and it gives me this new energy and excitement that summer is coming! Spring brings with it new opportunity, and refreshment from the cold and gray of winter.

Spring is also a really hard time for me. As the wife of an Air Force officer, spring means more than just seasons changing. Spring means loss. Spring means challenge. Spring means work.

Spring marks the beginning of PCS season for military families. PCS stands for Permanent Change of Station. You know the military is all about acronyms. Permanent Change of Station means that families all across the world pack up their lives and move to a new geographical location based on the needs of the military. Our family PCSes (It’s a noun and also a verb) on average every two years, but we go through PCS season every year.

Right now, many of the friends I have made at this station do not know if they will be here in a couple months. The military does not always allow for advanced notice. This means they don’t know what house they will be living in, what schools their kids will be going to, if they can keep or get a job, among many other unknowns. And I don’t know if we will live near each other anymore.

The ones who know they are moving this summer are now working on finding housing at their new assignment, looking for jobs and schools, and arranging for movers, purging and packing all their belongings. Some families have to leave pets – and even children – in some circumstances. They have to leave friends and communities, and watch their kids do the same.

And then, there are those who don’t move. The ones like my family this year – who get left behind. We are not moving this summer, which is a blessing, but it is also very difficult. Every year we have not moved is like watching a parade of moving trucks arriving and leaving, and goodbyes and hugs and tears. As the kids get older it is harder for them to watch their friends leave and not know if or when they will see them again.

So far, we are losing at least two of our favorite families – maybe three or four or five. My oldest daughter is losing her best friend. Although technology and good ol’ snail mail can help us stay in touch, it is still difficult to realize the physical community we have loved for two years is going to look a lot different – again.

But with the loss also comes gain. New families will move to the area, and new friends will be made. New connections will be found and those who stay will deepen our relationships with each other. Just like spring, there will be rain but also sun.

For our family, this spring brings the additional uncertainty of a looming deployment. My husband will be deploying this fall, and once again those familiar feelings of not knowing what those six months will look like have returned. This time, the kids are older which is both rain and sun, because they can help me more, but they also are more aware of the void of their father being gone. This spring is the beginning of the preparation for him to leave. New uniforms and gear, training dates, family time labeled “before he goes”, paperwork including wills and power of attorney, going away parties, and planning for while he’s gone.

As spring goes on, and plans come together, and families leave and families arrive, we are reminded that a house is not a home, that geographical location does not determine friendship, and that God is always in control no matter what change is about to happen in our lives.

Our husbands serve so that we can be safe and sound in America. And those women who serve do the same as they put their own wants and needs aside for the good of others. Service before self. Military families know that life is not always easy but that our service and our challenges have a purpose.

I know when my husband deploys, he is doing what he signed up to do. It is my honor to support my country by supporting him and caring for our kids while he’s gone – even though I have to remind myself of this at times. I know when my friends leave, I am not losing them if I make it a priority to stay in touch. When I watch my kids hurt because of the challenges they face, I know that with proper comfort and guidance they will be made stronger through adversity.

I know that when it is our turn to leave, that it will be difficult to say goodbye, but that this adventure is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and we will be blessed in each new assignment.

I have made some of my best friends on this journey, and I have experienced a lot of heartache. I don’t always know the best or right way to handle this unique military life, but I press on because I know that serving others is what life is all about. I know that sacrifice is good for the soul, and that our country would not be what it is without people who are willing to struggle in pursuit of goodness.

This spring and summer, if you meet a military member, spouse, or family, please give them a hug. They might be leaving, they might be staying. They might have a spouse or parent deployed. They might be waiting for deployment. They might have just lost a friend. They might be on the way to a new adventure. They might be in the middle of the unknown. We, the military families of America are facing challenges this spring. We need you. Our kids need you. Sometimes a hug is all it takes to let a service-member or service-family know they are not alone.

If You Visit Survival Mode, Don’t Stay Long.

My Tuesday THRIVAL Mode Muffins w/ Maple Glaze

I’ve always loved writing. It is probably my preferred method of communication, and when I get in the zone writing is to me as I would imagine playing the piano is to a concert pianist. The words flow out of my fingers effortlessly as I think and feel, and I am able to express myself using language in a way that has always felt natural to me.

When we started this blog, I was so excited to be able to stretch myself in writing, and have objectives and subjects to write about and share my opinions and odds and ends that I have learned over the years. So for my first topical post, I wanted to write about thriving instead of surviving. Of course, it was Easter weekend and time got away from me, energy slipped away, and when I did get to sit down at my computer, it was like I was bumping into a wall.

How do I put what I know into words? So, I quickly typed up all I could think of in order to get a draft ready for Heidi and Lisa to proof.

And then, like clockwork, yesterday happened. I woke up in a foul mood, totally unmotivated and worn out. All I wanted to do was get back in bed. And then the thoughts began: “You want to write about thriving and here you are, barely able to get through your day”.

The good in this is that with this topic fresh in my mind, I was able to put this into practice. I would not climb back in bed. I would not let my kids sit inside all day. I have mouths to feed and minds to shape, I have hearts to love and hands to hold. I have a God who is greater than my inability to handle life when I’m worn out.

I’ll tell you, yesterday did not go perfectly and I stumbled through it, but I did not settle for survival mode. Instead I chose THRIVAL mode. In the inspiring words of Elisabeth Elliott, I just “[did] the next thing”. I may have complained a bit to my husband, I may have not been the most patient with my kids, but I got them dressed, fed them, took them outside. We painted nails. I made muffins. We ate muffins. My husband came home from work and we went to our church’s community group. It wasn’t my finest day, and this may not be my finest piece of writing, but I pray that you’ll bare with me, because THRIVAL mode doesn’t mean perfect.

Here’s the thing: womanhood can be really confusing. In one moment we are told to have it all together and never let them see us sweat, and in the next moment our eyes are full of Internet images with parodies and memes about wine, sweatpants, dry shampoo, overeating and not wanting to get out of bed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good glass of wine in my sweatpants after a long day! I also fully believe in God’s mandate for us to rest, but there is a tremendous difference between rest and gluttony/laziness.

Another theme that is pervasive with women in culture today is the conflicting notion that in pregnancy, we are so excited and celebratory. Then, baby is born and we’re all smiles, filling instagram feeds with an overload of pictures. Somewhere around toddlerhood (and in a lot of cases baby #2) we fall into this pit of, “What a difficult pain motherhood is”. Suddenly, because of my relentless motherhood season, I have an excuse to complain and look a HOT mess, neglecting myself and my spouse and we call it “survival mode”.

It’s not just moms that end up in this mode. Many women find life to be simply too overwhelming. Instead of recognizing it and adjusting course (by looking to God and other wise women for support) they settle for less than excellence, “survival mode”.

I have been in survival mode more times than I care to count. I would describe it as this feeling of holding on for dear life. One wrong move, or one more added thing might push me off the edge. It’s not a fun place to be. It’s a needy place to be. It’s a feeling of not being able to help anyone else because I can’t even help myself. I don’t like being there. For me, survival mode often turns into anxiety and depression.

As a military spouse, I can say with confidence, there are absolutely times that survival mode is necessary. There are things in life that can throw us off course and take us by surprise, okay SHOCK, and it’s in these moments just breathing seems difficult. The things that nightmares are made of, that actually happen in real life can often leave us clinging to Jesus and holding on for dear life, because we’re drowning. In these moments, just staying upright is what we are supposed to do, full on true survival. The closer we grow to God, the less and less even the worst situations can shake us.

Of course, most of life is not a crisis. Most of life is day-to-day challenges and stress that all human beings face, and as women we often turn our normal life struggles into an excuse to eat a tub of ice cream and stay on the couch. We call it survival mode. Or maybe we’re moms that hand our kids a tablet and some chicken nuggets and call this survival mode. These things are ok in moderation and we have to give ourselves grace! If we stay in survival mode too long, we can forget that we are made to do more than we think possible.

When at the end of your rope, you have a choice and one you may not realize is even an option. Obviously, “survival mode” is one or we can lean into God and begin to act in faith. When you feel like your gas tank is on E and daily task seem impossible, start with a simple prayer and select one Bible verse to memorize and meditate on. Next, its time to act! We can throw up our dirty hair into a bun, slap on some lipstick, and keep going. We don’t have to be perfect to get out of survival mode. We just have to decide to start improving. This is no longer survival mode…this is THRIVAL MODE!

THRIVAL Mode, to me, is more what God intended for us as women. In the book of John in The Bible, Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.” John‬ ‭10:10-15‬ ‭ESV‬

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.”
John 10:10-15 The Bible, English Standard Version

When you prioritize your relationship with Jesus, you have no need for survival mode. He leads you exactly where you need to go, and allows you rest when you need it (if you choose to take it). With God, He allows you thrive no matter what life throws at you, as you are living with an eternal perspective. It’s no longer about what you have and how good you can do something but what are you doing and why.

Who or what are you following? Are you worn out from comparing your life to what you see on social media? Are you trying to do it all on your own? Are you relying on a community of people you trust? Are you too busy and living without margin in your life? Do you always feel less than, so you default to survival mode? I assure you, you are where you are supposed to be and God has the strength and energy you need to be the woman He has made you to be. Is your house perfectly clean? Maybe, maybe not. Are your relationships perfect? Are you the best at your job? Maybe, maybe not. Are you pushing forward even when it gets tough? Yes. Do you refuse to give up? Yes. Are you leaning on God to allow you to take on more than you can handle alone? Yes. THIS is THRIVAL mode. THRIVAL mode isn’t about having every i dotted and t crossed. THRIVAL mode is living in the goodness and abundance that God offers in this life, and being able to serve others while being salt and light in this world. It means loving our family and friends well and working hard and walking by faith and not by fear.

THRIVAL mode means having the courage to try, to go and do even if we’re not perfect at it. Women in THRIVAL mode say, “yes” to the right things and “no” to the right things. Women in THRIVAL mode don’t give up when things don’t go their way, but they get back up and go at it again. Women in THRIVAL mode ask for help when they need it and help others when they need it. THRIVAL mode means less whining and more smiling. THRIVAL mode is where we should strive to be.

We are women and we have so much to offer. we cannot be all God made us to be if we constantly live in survival mode. Let’s be women in THRIVAL mode. Let’s keep our heads high, take the next step, and thrive.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
Isaiah 40:28-31 The Bible, English Standard Version

Love,

Jill

*Disclaimer: This blog post contains a link to a product that I used and liked. How Estherly does not earn commission from this product mention, however there are other affiliate links on this blog that do earn commission to support How Estherly.

What I Call Home

Trust me, I would much rather be called a homemaker than an interior decorator.

Home… This is a word to describe feelings, a place of comfort, a place of nurture. Is that what you thought of as well, or was it the four walls that surround you in your house, or the town you grew up in? Well I believe it can be all those things, and I want to describe and encourage you to create and grow that place of home.

For so long I have been fascinated by homes, which led me to my Bachelors degree in Interior Design. But to me, design has been so much more than just the floor plan and decor. We are creating a home, and this involves researching what people do in their homes to create the spaces they love. I love creating a space where I feel the comfort of my routine, aesthetics, and the people who surround me…and that happens with more than just paint colors and pretty decor. Trust me, I would much rather be called a homemaker than an interior decorator. The word home means so much to me and I plan to share everything I can about what it means to me and to define it so many ways you may never have thought. Of course, I will also share some of my favorite design tips for your home and my homemaker routines.

I am the proud wife to my husband, Nick, and we have two young boys, Jack and Maxton. Our home is filled with love, chaos, fun, and most importantly a growing faith as a family. It’s almost always VERY LOUD as I don’t believe my boys came with a volume control. We are an Active Duty military family (Marine Corps) currently living in Washington, DC and we love traveling and exploring our area. Our life has been thrown way off OUR plan of course many times due to this military life, and some family struggles with difficult diagnosis, adding more to our hectic lives as parents of young ones. These are daily reminders for us that we are following the Lord’s plan, and not our own. It was these struggles that have brought us even closer and stronger in our faith. I love sharing about our story, and things that have helped us with some of these struggles that are unique to this lifestyle.

When I first moved to DC, I prayed hard that I would find other women who were like-minded, had a love of Jesus, and valued the family structure that we do. These two ladies (Lisa and Jill, co-founders of How Estherly) were my answer to that prayer. I love the friendship we have made, and the encouragement is like nothing else. These women are strong, faithful, caring, intelligent, and downright hilarious (BIG BONUS WIN). So when we discussed what we wanted from this blog, it made so much sense to name it “How Estherly.” I love everything about this project, and I am so excited to share with each of you, and truly hope you enjoy all that we have for you!

***No idea how I made it through this whole intro, without the word y’all. Seriously, y’all, —that’s a whole lot of punctuation going on and I have no idea if any of it is even right—this is what you can expect from us, imperfection, real, creative, lots of Jesus, and the word y’all!

-Heidi