7 Ways to Keep from Falling.
It’s like the holy grail. The fountain of youth. Stuff of legend yet longed for by many. It’s the elusive concept of BALANCE. Some claim they have it. Some have ceased trying to find it.
Is balance possible? Is it useless to try to find it?
When I got married, I got hit with the reality that I did not know how to keep a house. I was working full time from home, and I wanted to have dinner made and a clean home when Andy got home every day. I wanted to have laundry folded and put away. I wanted to have our dogs cared for and our budget managed, and the groceries shopped for.
It would get ahead of me, and I would get behind with all I needed to do, and I would be frustrated with my inability to keep up.
Five years into our marriage, I got pregnant with our first baby girl. I was sick for the first trimester, and we moved from Montana to New Jersey for our first military PCS (Permanent Change of Station). We lived on base for the first time, had a baby, and my lack of balance became even more obvious as I tried to survive learning how to be a mom for the first time.
It wasn’t until we moved to California and our second daughter was born, that this imbalance really started to take its toll on my life, my marriage, and my kids. I was very stressed with two young kids, far from my family, trying to do all and be all to everyone. I was overwhelmed and struggling to keep it together.
We had our third daughter and moved back to New Jersey. This time in New Jersey I was excited to make friends and get involved. We also did a new thing: homeschool. It was great and challenging all at the same time. I was on the women’s ministry board on base, a key spouse for my husband’s squadron, taking kids to dance lessons and church group, and I was on the verge of a meltdown the whole time. I loved everything I was doing, but I had over-committed my time and energy. I once again found myself stretched thin and worn out.
And so it went for years as I was trying to navigate marriage and motherhood and my own identity, trying to live a Godly life but still not able to sit at Jesus’ feet. Instead I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough.
These have been the marks of my unbalanced life: stress, anxiety, guilt, sickness, irritability, fighting with my husband, snapping at my kids, procrastination, laziness, selfishness, depression, fear, forgetfulness, and insecurity. None of these are the marks of a woman who is living in thrival mode, with eyes set on Jesus. These are the marks of a woman who is trying to please people and herself, and look “good” to the world. A woman who is trying to stay busy to distract herself from the aspects of life she’s not proud of.
We live in D.C. now. Almost immediately after moving here we found out we were pregnant with bay girl #4. It was not what I had planned for. We were living in a city for the first time, and I was scared. Now we had a baby on the way. As usual, I got sick with the pregnancy and I started to panic. How could I homeschool my three kids while I’m sick in bed? Am I ruining my kids by letting them watch too much TV? Andy was doing EVERYTHING and the guilt and anxiety mounted. I had awful feelings like I wished I wasn’t pregnant, and it was the worst season of survival mode of my life. Talk about being unbalanced!
But this beautiful thing happened. I was feeling so alone and far from God, and I reached out to other homeschool moms for help. It has never been an easy thing for me to ask for or accept help. But as soon as I let others into my suffering, God was there. These ladies brought coolers full of meals for our family to help lighten the load, and they offered counsel. These moms who had been down this trail before, assured me that a few months of inactivity would not ruin my children, and that there was no reason to give up on the path God had led us to, unless God clearly called us away from it. The strength I found in the help of God through other people gave me the confidence to push through and continue homeschool even though things were so difficult.
Our fourth daughter was born in April 2018. Like any family with a newborn, we did our best to keep things running smoothly as we endured sleepless nights and other challenges that go along with raising newborns. I wouldn’t say our balance was perfect, but having done this three other times, we gave ourselves grace and made space in our lives so that we could easily grow into a family of six. It was a beautiful transition. Summer was spent enjoying our new baby and exploring the city.
When fall hit and school started again, I found that I was out of balance again because I had failed to plan for schedule changes. The time I had used over the summer to cook and keep up with the house was now occupied with teaching. It took me by surprise, but it also taught me something. Finding balance is all about planning and learning and adjusting.
As this year has gone on, my ability to stay balanced has increased like never before. I can accomplish more and I’m getting overwhelmed less. Mostly I attribute this to God working in me and strengthening me, but there are a few things I’ve noticed that are different about the balanced life vs. the unbalanced life:
#1 You have to put your priorities in order. I was a dancer and gymnast as a kid, and one of the major principles of keeping your balance say, on a balance beam or doing pirouettes, is you find a spot on the wall in front of you to focus on. This keeps you from losing your balance or getting dizzy as you spin. This is true in life as well. If you have no focus, you will fall every time. Your responsibilities and tasks will spin into a blur and you’ll find yourself dizzy in the mess. When you put your priorities in order, you know what to focus on and it keeps your equilibrium stable. For me, that focus point is Jesus. It is looking for His face in everything I do.
The Bible says it this way: “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33 NLT (New Living Translation)
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”
Matthew 6:33 NLT (New Living Translation)
I have seen this in real life. When I focus on God, everything else falls into place.
Right now in my life, I can’t work full time AND homeschool my kids. According to my priorities, God comes first and He has given me a husband and kids to care for. My husband comes second, and part of caring for my husband is making sure he has a meal to eat when he gets home. If I’m too exhausted from doing all the things, I am not able to care for him. My children are my #3 priority and I believe that the best I can give them is a stay-at-home mom and for now, homeschooling. Are there days I want to go out and work at a job? Sure! But, I know that 18 years will fly by and when they are out on their own, I can do whatever I want with my time. Right now, work takes the #4 or #5 position in my life. After I’ve completed my role as Mom, work may earn a new rank on my list.
#2 You can do “it all” just not all at the same time. Someone I know recently wrote a post about balance vs. juggling. It was her theory that it is better to juggle rather than balance. I won’t go into the whole thing, but this just sounds so exhausting to me. Juggling sounds like a lot of work trying to keep all those balls in the air. And what happens when you get tired? You fall, and ALL the balls fall on you. No, I don’t think you can juggle constantly without completely crashing, letting yourself down and anyone else who depends on you.
The world tells women that we can do it all. I agree. We live in a world with so many resources, that we can do almost anything our hearts desire. And when you have God on your side, you really CAN do it all. In the Bible, the apostle Paul says, “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 NLT
What Paul was actually talking about is that whatever God gives him, be it a little or a lot, he can be content. That is balance.
While the world also tells us we can do everything, what it doesn’t tell you is that a) You DON’T HAVE TO Do everything. And b) If you want to do it all, you can’t do it all at the same time. You cannot run a marathon and cook a gourmet meal at the same time. You can’t work a full time job and be home full time with your kids. You will either work 50% and be home with your kids 50%, or you’ll be working 100% OR home with your kids 100%. There is no such thing as 200% or 300% or 600%. You only get 100%, and you have to decide how to spend it.
#3 Don’t multi-task. Multi-tasking is like juggling. All those balls in the air. It’s a lot of work for only a small percentage of care for each ball.
I don’t like to multi-task. Instead, I prefer to be 100% in whatever I am doing at the moment, even if it is a short moment. I am not spending quality time with my kids if I’m listening with one ear and looking at my phone. If I’m working, I work. If I’m with my kids, I’m with my kids. When my kids are occupied or asleep, then I work.
#4 Saying, “No”, is ok. Learn to say, “No” to the right things and “Yes” to the right things. Sometimes we say, “Yes” to good things, but we need to say, “Yes” to the right things, not EVERY thing. We may be qualified for it all, but that doesn’t mean we should be DOING it all.
#5 Rest is not an option, it’s a must. To many, rest sounds like an impossibility. Taking a day off from all work sometimes is just not an option! Especially if you’re a parent. There’s always work to be done. But rest can be found. In fact, the same way you have to make time for the things that matter, you often have to make time to rest.
In fact, God commands us to rest, in the same way He commands us not to steal or murder or commit adultery. Keeping your focus on God means you make time for rest, which also means you take care of yourself. Read more about how to make self-care a part of your routine in Lisa’s post.
#6 Plan ahead and be ready to adjust as needed. When you plan ahead and make sure that you have time for everyone and everything you have committed to, sometimes it looks good on paper but in reality is way too much. Adjust! Sometimes, we have extra time and we can add in an extra thing easily. Adjust! It’s ok to deviate from the plan to make sure that our priorities stay in order and we’re not going to burn out. And when we have extra time, then we can add something in!
#7 Balance does not mean that everything is perfect. Right now, I feel pretty balanced in my life. I spend time each day reading the Bible and praying, I serve at my church on Sundays and from home helping with social media, I take care of my husband in the ways I know he needs me, my kids are happy, healthy, and educated, and I am involved in the things I love while also making ample time to rest. But, the past couple weeks have been busy, so my house isn’t as clean as I’d like. And here’s the thing, that is ok! I know that in the next couple days I will have time to clean, and my kids can help as part of their chores. If I had no time in my schedule to clean, then I would consider this out of balance, because a clean house is part of taking care of my family – priority #2.
Balance doesn’t mean that everything is perfect all the time, but it means that there is white space around the responsibilities I have so that I can maintain my life with hard work but without burning out. It means that when something extra gets thrown in (a flat tire, or a sick kid) I am not pushed over the edge because I didn’t make room for flexibility. Balance means putting my life in order so I can stand confident before God, my family, and the mirror knowing that I am doing the right things in life in the right order. The guilt goes away, the anxiety lessens, and the stress dissipates. I am free to love God and others the way God intended, and be a servant instead of a beggar.
Balance means finding joy in life because the pressure is not too much and I am clear-headed, being able to move from one task to the next without worrying what I’m forgetting. Balance means trusting in God to take care of the details because my focus is on Him and He will make all my paths straight. Balance is not impossible. Balance is able to be found if you just put your focus in the right place.
We want to hear about the challenges you have with finding balance in your life!
Love + Blessings,
Jill